Shame:Toxic vs Healthy.

Toxic Shame vs. Healthy Shame

Growing up

Most people are raised by shame-based parents and families. It originates with your source of relations, parents figures or caretakers.  It is one of the most complex and misunderstood emotions we experience. 

Shame can be a master emotion that internalizes and binds all other emotions together. Therefore, teaching self-value becomes tough when we struggle to value ourselves. Emotionally bound parents will suppress their kids’ emotions because it will trigger their emotions.

Shame-based people will befriend or get married to other shame-based people, and their relationship will be fundamentally founded on that.

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Can it be healthy?

Yes. There is such a thing as positive, healthy shame. For instance, when we realize we have done or said something hurtful, we hold ourselves accountable and make amends.

Often people are more willing to admit guilt, hurt, or fear before they admit that the emotion behind their because they their behaviour is, in fact shame.

Toxic shame 

This type of feeling is not based on specific circumstances but is self-generated and passed on to us from our parents or primary caretakers. It can hold us back from archiving our goals..

Their unseen wounds – their sense of powerlessness, dissociation, resentment, anger, and numbness – becomes imprinted within us. Toxic shame is the underlying feeling of being worthless because of abandonment.

How it manifests in life ?

It distorts our perception of ourselves, making us believe that we are broken, wrong, or flawed and need to be “fixed.”

When healthy shame is grounding

Healthy guilt begins when you cross the moral boundaries that you recognize in yourself. You should probably exercise caution when considering your past behavior while taking into account what you have said, done, and decided.  

Experience of health shame looks like a gut feeling that is actually preventing the negative aspects of this emotion from emerging and taking over your life. 


To heal we must first acknowledge and work through it consciously. This involves recognizing our triggers, sanitizing and reframing our thoughts, and practicing self-compassion. Otherwise, we risk unconsciously passing it on to others

Read: Where to start with therapy  

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A question to ponder

Growing up the shame in my family was?


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